Process

This weekend went by in a whirl. Not externally (that was pretty boring, especially since Keith went in to work both Saturday and Sunday), but internally. As you can probably imagine I have a lot to process after Friday's news! Just half an hour ago I parked in front of the building and lugged Michael and the diaper bag up the steps, unlocked the front door while balancing both, went up ANOTHER flight of steps, unlocked a final door, and sighed in relief to step into my own apartment. I can't imagine doing this with two newborns added to the mix. I mean, I won't have to--we won't be living here anymore--but still, the idea of unloading and transitioning from car to house after a shopping trip is kind of insane.

This is the kind of thing I was thinking of when I would tell friends I thought it might be twins (I was measuring ahead and feeling very early movement), and then immediately say "But I hope it's not!" But honestly, even though thoughts like that pop into my head all the time now (TWO more cribs? Will three car seats fit in our car? When to wean Michael?), I can say that they no longer freak me out. I kind of shake my head at them in disbelief, but also amusement.

Because the thing is, all of that craziness will pass. It is/will be a part of reality, but it isn't ever going to be the most important part. The most important part was seeing my babies moving on an ultrasound screen. There is no way that you can see that and not have your anxiety put in context by love. There are your children.

The stages I've gone through have been interesting. Keith and I walked away from the hospital overwhelmed, happy ... a whole mix of emotions, but unable to fully wrap our minds around it. Telling people helped make it real, and as it became more real it became less fearful and more joyful.

And then yesterday I woke up terrified, not of having three under two, but of everything that might go wrong with delivering those babies. The fact that trying for a natural, vaginal birth might not even be possible; the fact that my babies may come too early and spend the first days (weeks) of their lives not being held and nursed and spoken to but in a hospital getting their heels pricked ... oh, I was so scared.

So that is where I am at in the process right now. Working on letting go of fearing things beyond my control that may or may not happen. Especially fear of getting a c-section. This is a fear I never dealt with when I was pregnant with Michael, and suddenly it is huge for me.  Luckily I have a friend who gave birth to twins via c-section and had a wonderful, positive experience that she was gracious enough to share with me. I think that's what I need right now. Not stories of vaginal twin births--I know it is possible, that my body is capable, yadda yadda.

Before this pregnancy I would have said that c-sections are not evil, they do not make your birth experience less valuable or your body a failure. You make a baby for nine months and bring it into the world! That is amazing no matter how you deliver your baby. And once they are born, how they were delivered won't matter, but the fact that they are here.