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Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Twins' Birth Story

I'll try my best, but it's going to be a long one. Just so you're warned. (Also, it's a birth story, and thus pretty frank about various bodily fluids at times ... so if you're squeamish, be aware!) No photos because we have a few but I look awful in them and I'd prefer to keep them to myself. ;)

For the last few weeks of my pregnancy I kept wishing that I would just go into labor already. Every woman who's been pregnant has been there, but with twins it starts much earlier and is MUCH worse, and the fact that twins have a tendency to arrive early intensifies it. As does having contractions every day without "being in labor." So one night on my second or third trip to the bathroom I found myself thinking, yet again, I just want to go into labor TONIGHT.

Immediately another thought entered my mind: would I be in such a hurry to go into labor if I knew I or one of the babies might die in childbirth? It actually stopped me dead in my tracks. It was cold and clear like someone outside of me had suggested it. (And maybe that's true.) I tried not to lend it much credence, but in my hormonal state it really disturbed me ... and then the next day was either Sunday or All Saints Day, and all the readings were about death and resurrection. Even as I struggled to dismiss this I kept wondering if God was trying to tell me something. It was bad enough that I confessed my fears to Keith in the car one day, almost in tears, and we prayed together about it.

Gradually that fear receded, and by the time I approached the date of my induction I was no longer anxious. I was blessed with a wonderful OB. He's very up-front, was supportive of my ability to birth the twins vaginally, and always, always treats his patients like people. That being said, he had a way of jinxing things for me. So when I was hooked up to Pitocin at 7am on November 15th (38 weeks to the day), I should've known labor was going to take all day just because he expected it to go by in a matter of hours.

It probably should have gone quickly. I was already having contractions--as I had been for the past two weeks--and he assured me two hours later when he broke my bag of waters that things would progress quickly. I continued to dilate and efface at a steady rate, but that rate was not exactly "quick."

Still, I have to say that this labor was pretty great. I wanted as med-free a birth as possible, but I'd heard so many horror stories about induced contractions I figured it wasn't possible. But actually, this labor was much easier and less painful than my first! After my water was broken I snuck some food from DH when the nurses weren't looking, because I was starving and I really didn't feel that bad. The nurses kept asking me about my pain scale, whether things were getting more painful, but it just wasn't that bad. During the first half I spent quite a bit of time dozing.

In fact, the worst part of labor was when my OB examined me and realized that A's head had slid forward and blocked the tear in his amniotic sac, so he broke my water AGAIN, sticking his fingers inside and moving them around Dominic's head to make sure most of it got out this time. Oh. My. Gosh. It probably only took about a minute but it was horrible and it felt like forever. (And so, so much fluid. When I think about the sheer amount of STUFF that fit in my womb by the end of this pregnancy, it really boggles my mind.)

Everyone who took care of me commented on how well labor was going and how well I was dealing with the contractions, how the babies were behaving and easy to monitor, etc. (Although Gregory went through a phase where he kept slipping away from the EFM disk and they had to bring in an ultrasound machine to find him.) My OB stayed a few hours past the end of his shift hoping to deliver the babies, but in the end he left about an hour and a half before they were born.

By that time the contractions had gotten pretty intense. I could tell it would be time to push within the next hour, and was debating whether or not to get an epidural. (I already had the line in place.) Since it was a low dose, I caved and let them hook me up. There was a button I could push twice an hour to up the dose, and since the first dose barely did anything for the pain I soon found myself pushing it again. Even at the highest dose I could still feel my contractions and knew I'd be able to work with my body. SO much better than just getting a big dose all at once like I did with Michael!

Less than half an hour later I was ready to push. I pushed for 30-45 minutes in the L&D room. Then I had to stop pushing while they wheeled me into the OR to deliver. That was hard. But once they got set up, a few more pushes and Dominic was born.

Dominic--I saw him briefly as he emerged from my body, I heard him cry. I sent Keith from my side to go with him. He was strong and healthy. I kept trying to see him from across the room.

I shouldn't have. I should have focused on Gregory, and I knew I needed to focus on Gregory, but how can you not try to see your baby? I'm not sure if I would've known more about what was happening if I paid closer attention in those first few moments.

There was a second OB manning the ultrasound machine as they tried to make sure that Gregory was still head down. I became aware that he had gotten into a bad position, that his hand was in the way and the OB was trying to move it; then I heard that his shoulder was engaged (transverse oblique presentation), and at that point I was no longer dilated enough for her to continue to manipulate him into a better position.

The OB looked at me and said, "I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deliver this baby by c-section. I know it’s not what you wanted, but we need to do it." I knew from her voice that something was up, but I was so disoriented and unfocused up til that point I didn’t know any more than the fact he was trying to come out shoulder first.

They sent Keith out of the room to prep me and told me they’d let him back in once I was ready. I am so, so grateful I already had a full dose of epidural, because they had some trouble getting things to where I was anesthetized enough for surgery, and it turned out that every minute counted. As I was given the line of pricks up my belly several times, the doctors grew more and more anxious, and when I was ready they put the sheet up and cut me open right away. No Keith. I remember one of the doctors answering her pager and telling the person on the line that she was in the middle of an emergency c-section and it would have to wait.

I had no idea what was wrong, only that my baby's life was in danger. The nurses and people around me kept reassuring me--I was doing great, I was going to be okay. And it made me so angry, because of course I was fine, but when I asked about my baby they wouldn't answer me. I asked several people to baptize him if he was going to die--granted, an awkward thing to ask a nurse or anesthesiologist. More than being on my own, it was the biggest reason I wished Keith was in the room at that moment. No one answered me or even acknowledged the fact that my baby might die.

And I remembered all my fears from several weeks before. I knew that a few friends were praying for me right then; the twins' godmother-to-be had two Masses offered for us that day; I prayed to St. Gregory, St. Therese, St. Gerard, our guardian angels. I was not panicked, probably more from the shock of it than anything, but I was so, so very helpless, laying there with my arms strapped out beside me. And I prayed, God, I give you this baby. Please, please let him live.

It was the longest 14 minutes of my life. Gregory didn’t cry when he was born. They let Keith in and he came and sat next to me, but we couldn't see either of our babies, and had no idea how Gregory was doing. In a bit they wheeled him up so we could see him before bringing him down to the NICU because of his oxygen levels, except I couldn't see him from where I lay on the gurney. Later on, we had both cord prolapse and a nuchal cord given to us as reasons for the emergency. After talking to the OB we’re pretty sure it was the latter. Either way, there was a short period of time when he wasn’t receiving oxygen, but he was able to breath on his own when he was born and only needed to spend about ten hours in the NICU.

At that point I was shaking uncontrollably. I always shake during transition when it's time to push, but this was extreme. My shoulders hurt from it for a long time afterwards. I also had a high fever that they never really found the cause for. (And then there were the night shift nurses who didn't believe me when I felt like my bladder was about to explode and pulled out more than THREE times the amount a normal person's bladder is supposed to be able to hold when they got around to catheterizing me an hour later. Worst pain of my life. But that was 24 hours after this. It also wasn't the most TMI part of my complicated recovery ... but I'll stop there.) Eventually I was given medication to stop the shaking, but it was a good two hours before I was even able to hold Dominic--two hours that I was just not with it--and at least two hours later that I got to meet Gregory.

When the OB stopped by my room she was very emotional. She told me she'd gone over the birth in her mind wondering if there was anything she could have done differently, and she didn’t think there was. I was so touched by her honesty and how much it mattered to her; all I said to her was “Thank you for saving our baby.”

Because I am so grateful. When I remember Michael's birth--how he came out crying and they put him on my chest, and when I spoke to him he stopped and just looked at me--even Dominic's birth makes me ache a bit. It's a loss I am still processing. But I have two beautiful, healthy boys ... and for them, it was all worth it.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Superstitions


Knitting is a good way to keep me occupied during this time; it helps me feel as though I am preparing, rather than just waiting. (And unlike many other things I could do to prepare, with knitting I don't have to stay on my feet. That means a lot these days! Although I'm sure it doesn't help the pregnancy related carpal tunnel ... I can't even brush my teeth when I wake up in the morning.)

So, the two Milos now have two matching hats. And I still have a bit of each yarn left. Socks, maybe? And then ... I don't know. To be honest I'm hoping I don't have time to knit anything else, or even the socks, although I'm sure I could knit two pairs of baby socks today if I wasn't focused on cleaning ALL the laundry.

Here's the thing. Up until the Milos, I've had this belief (or hope) that the babies wouldn't come until I was finished. And I still kind of believe that, if I start something, I have to finish it before they're born, especially since I want them to be evenly endowed with handknits from Mama. (So if one gets a pair of socks, the other has to, too!)

BUT there's always Murphy's law ... just as I start a new pair of projects, surely I will go into labor and not be able to finish.

I kind of prefer the latter superstition at this point. Yesterday my OB told me not to bother making an appointment for next week because he felt that the babies were going to come soon. I think he jinxed me. I thought they were coming, too; in fact I thought I would finish that blue hat while in labor. But since he said that, everything my body was doing to prepare has ground to a halt.

So you see, I am torn. Do I start a bigger project for the twins--a set of Puerperiums, or maybe small stuffed animals--and hope that the Knitting Fates say "Nope, not happening!" Or does starting such a project mean I am doomed to finish it before the babies can arrive?

Because clearly Knitting is a powerful thing like that.

What do YOU think I should do? (And what should I knit after the socks??)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Hanging by the yarn along ...

I write all sorts of posts in my head these days, but when it comes to having the mental energy to sit down at the computer and type them ... nope. Just not there. I have fallen miserably behind on my written correspondence for the same reason. 

Yesterday I spent most of the day at the hospital. I had one of my bi-weekly non-stress tests, and Baby A's heart rate decelerated a few times while they were listening, so I was sent downstairs to get an ultrasound and make sure his fluid levels were okay. Everything turned out to be fine, but ... it was a long day. 


I've been knitting the sleeves on Michael's Abate using the magic loop, since I don't have dpns in the right size. And that is probably the reason it's not finished yet. I hate the magic loop. One more sleeve, and then the collar, and then the finishing. And then ... babies??? Hehe. We'll see--I'm no longer confident in my ability to crank out two vests before they're born, even if they're tiny vests! (Right now I am leaning towards Milos instead of Puerperiums simply because Milo doesn't have any buttons.)

Still reading Anna Karenina. Last night I started The Sinner's Guide to NFP by Simcha Fisher because I needed a break from Russian literature, and it was next in line on my Kindle. So far I love it, but that's no surprise, because Simcha is pretty much awesome. IF I finish it before the babies come, IF I have the mental energy ... I will write more about it once I've finished!

Check out other yarn along posts at Ginny's blog!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Seven Quick Takes (13)


1. I should be packing right now. Or at least taking a shower. But instead I am typing my (probably) last blog post ever from this apartment. We are so happy to be moving to our new home tomorrow, but just typing that out makes me feel a little emotional. (Hey, cut the pregnant lady a break. She's allowed to get teary-eyed.) This place has been good to us.

2. One of the best parts about living here has been our landlords. Last year they moved in downstairs, which could be potentially awkward, right? But it's been great. They're just good people. For example, my landlady the other day invited Michael downstairs to come see the kitty, which made him SO HAPPY. (Although now whenever he sees her, he starts crying to see the cat.) She's helped me carry groceries into the house more than once since I've gotten pregnant, offered to buy things for us from the farmer's market, and to top it all off last week she and her husband gave us a gift card to Babies'r'Us for the twins. How sweet is that?

3. I suspect Michael might have an ear infection, so I've been trying to call the doctor's office to make him an appointment. It took three tries. Try #1: I get to option 1 on the menu (making an appointment is option 3), when Michael starts crying. I turn around to see he has bitten a piece of plastic off the medal on a broken plastic rosary. (He is past that stage of putting things in his mouth, so I'm not sure exactly what he was thinking.) I hang up the phone and get the piece out of his mouth and decide that when he starts eating random crap it's time for a nap. (And I'm sorry, I really hope that rosary wasn't blessed because it's in the trash right now.)

4. Try #2: I wait a bit for Michael's nap to "take." When he settles and seems to be asleep, I call the doctor's office again. This time I get to option 2 on the menu before there's a knock on the door. I'm still in my pajamas. I hang up, get dressed quickly, and answer the door. It's my landlady, apologetically letting me know that some Italian guy is coming by to look at the house in the late afternoon. (Our landlords are selling this place.) We chat for a bit, and then ... Michael starts crying.

5. Fastforward to try #3: I finally get through the menu ... and have to leave a message. So, hopefully we will get him in for an appointment sometime this afternoon.

6. I have to say that this pregnancy has been kind of difficult. As a family we have dealt with a lot of stuff in the past few months that would have been challenging WITHOUT pregnancy hormones thrown in ... know what I mean? Between dealing with various crises, extended family drama, Keith working in overdrive to finish his degree a few months ago, house-hunting and moving, etc ... I feel like I've been in "survival mode" off and on for the past several months. As my due date gets closer, this has become harder for me to deal with, and it's taking its toll on me emotionally. I feel like any day the twins are just going to "show up" and I won't be prepared, at all. But I am trying to let go of things I can't control (including things that have happened in the past few months) and just live in the present and know that I am where God wills me to be at this moment.

7. Did you know that September 22nd is not only the first day of autumn ... but also Hobbit Day? Happy happy happiness!! It's also, sadly, the day after we move, so I'm afraid a day of feasting with friends hobbit-style is out of the question ... but I want us to celebrate it somehow! I'll think of something. :) Also, Michaelmas is a week from Sunday! So we will have to do something special then too.

Linking up with Jen for her Seven Quick Takes.

Friday, September 13, 2013

29 Week Update

This entire pregnancy, I've been annoyed at The Bump and Facebook for not acknowledging my newest week of pregnancy every Thursday. Because my due date is Thursday, November 29th, dang it.

Except I just realized something. To help people remember my due date I always tell them that it's the day after Thanksgiving. And what day is Thanksgiving? Every single year?

So, I apologize to The Bump and Facebook. You were right all along.

I have four post drafts in my blogging folder so know I have been thinking about you, even though it's been a week since I posted. A long, exhausting week, physically and mentally. But today I feel good, so! Here is a bump selfie for your amusement. Because this was the best of the bunch I took, and you are free to laugh at my facial expression, because I am laughing as I upload it.

Just act natural.
I am going to need to buy a few new shirts soon. Someone told me back in July that I was huge. Um, no. In July I just looked pregnant, thank you very much. (I look awful in all the pics from that time or I'd share.) Now I look ... due. :) People I don't know have started asking me when I'm due in that tone of voice that implies "Will you be popping out that kid this week or next week?" I assure them I feel as pregnant as I look! Within the last week or two I've been told a few times that I've "popped," which is funny because I've already popped at least twice this pregnancy--so hopefully it's the last time. ;)

I got to see the boys on Monday. Yay! I had to get my ultrasound lying on my side because the babes were putting too much pressure on my vena cava and I felt like I was going to pass out; not something you should try to tough out, by the way. Both the guys are doing well; Baby B, who has always been a bit smaller, has finally caught up to his brother. And they have both flipped. At my 20 week ultrasound Baby B was breech and Baby A head down--the way we want him. But when I went in to L&D a few weeks ago, Baby A was breech and Baby B head down. I wasn't too happy but figured they still had time and would be flipping all over the place for a bit longer.

Well, we are running out of room for flipping, and Baby A is still butt down.

The OB called the day after my appointment to tell me that Baby B (head down) is closer to the cervix, tucked under his brother's bottom, so that is good; but, A's sac is somehow still under B's head, so ... I'm not really sure what all of that means in terms of trying for a vaginal delivery.

It's not that I can't make peace with the idea of having a c-section. With Michael's birth, I ended up needing Pitocin because my water had broken and I wasn't progressing; the evil drug that does such horrible things to you and your baby and STAY AWAY from it at all costs!! But it was Pitocin that allowed me to deliver Michael vaginally. I was at peace with it because it was the right thing to do. I think if it becomes clear that a c-section is necessary with these babes, I will be okay with that and be able to accept it peacefully.

But ... I want to be able to try, you know?

Anyway. My energy levels have been incredibly low, but the last two days have been great. Honestly I think the weather has a lot to do with it. It feels like fall again! I haven't complained too much this pregnancy, I think; I'm starting to complain now. I am tired, incredibly uncomfortable, and the hip pain has started. And I totally thought I had a mild case of PUPPPS, until I realized I was getting bitten by fleas from the squirrels that hang out behind our house. (I know. Gross. No more hanging out on the back porch. Except I just stood out there to take pictures.)

Friday, August 23, 2013

Waiting to meet you

Stephanie Pearl-McPhee (aka the Yarn Harlot) recently wrote a post about how some people are superstitious about knitting for babies before they're born, as though it would "jinx" a pregnancy or tempt fate. She sees it instead as a sort of optimism, making it clear that this baby is expected and paving the way for it to arrive.

Her post spoke to some things I've been mulling over lately, as someone who's been spending a lot of time either preparing or thinking about preparing for the arrival of two little ones.

Since this picture I've finished the back and started on the sleeves!
I have often thought about how people are basically programmed to respond to babies and very young children with love. They are cute, most people smile at them, some stop to gush over how adorable they are. All human beings are meant to be loved, and loved unconditionally, their whole lives; but how important in those first years, when their sense of who they are and the world they exist in is just forming, that they hear this message:

Welcome. We're glad you're here. Your life is a gift. You are worthy of love.

And what better way to welcome a baby than with warmth that is literal as well as metaphorical? I firmly believe that all babies deserve handknits, to be wrapped up in love in a physical, woolly way. So I try to knit for babies as they're born, although sometimes I have too much on my plate. (Alas, some babies in my life have been left knitless; and then they become toddlers and things take more than one skein of yarn and more time and measurements and ... well, it just doesn't happen.)

But it is most beautiful to me, especially as I knit for my own babies, that through knitting you are able to nurture, care for, and love them--before they're even on the outside. Knitting for babies in the womb affirms their lives as something beautiful; it says "You exist, and you are loved, and I cannot wait to meet you."

Still doesn't have a second sleeve ...
Some of the commenters on Stephanie's post said they couldn't imagine what it would be like to have those knits if something bad happened--like coming home to a fully decorated nursery that will remain empty. But I noticed that most of the people who actually experienced loss, even while they acknowledged the hardship of those baby knits going unworn, also wrote of the meaningfulness of being able to pull those things out of the drawer now and then, a tangible reminder of the life that was, the love that was given to it.

There is a group on Ravelry called Elephant Tears that donates baby blankets as part of bereavement packages for families who lost a child due to premature birth. I missed the most recent deadline because of knitting for my own babies, but I really hope to participate in the future.

As for my own babies ... Praise God, I have not known that kind of loss. But even if I knew that one or or both of them would be diagnosed tomorrow with a fatal disease or disability and that I would never meet them in this life ... I would keep knitting. It would give me a way to still nurture them, to affirm their lives as beautiful, no matter how short. A tangible way to still say: "You exist, and you are loved, and I cannot wait to meet you." Even if that meeting isn't in this life.


 I hope this post doesn't sound depressing, because it isn't meant to! I've just been doing a lot of preparing and planning for babies lately, and pondering over the meaning of these things. There is something to them that goes beyond the merely practical.

Anyway, I think I've posted pics of these outfits before, but I wanted to share them again--do you like how they sort of match the sweaters? Happy coincidence! I have my eye on some Malabrigo in Cumparsita for the second blanket, which happens to fit the color scheme too ... might as well embrace it, right?

And then there's these guys just 'cause they're cute.


I bought some more newborn onesies today and a maternity belt (yay!), and then I had to walk out of the store because if I'd stayed any longer I would have spent ALL the money. Babies'R'Us/Toys'R'Us could be a problem for me come Christmastime. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

Seven Quick Takes (8)

1. I am pleased to announce that I am now the wife of a full-fledged PhD! I am so, so proud of my husband. His defense talk was amazing, and he has worked so hard at this for the past five years--as long as I've known him--and he is so deserving of having that work recognized and praised.



2. Like the bunting I made? Complete with letters that were traced using alphabet magnets from our fridge? ;) I know, I know, I should have taken pictures for a tutorial, including how I couldn't find the T or the E anywhere and had to get creative and flip the L around different directions to make those letters. Hehe. But I like how it turned out. I know it is not centered over the doorway and it drives me a little bonkers, so sorry if it bothers you too! We have SO MUCH cake in the house right now. I baked one (now eaten), and Keith's adviser bought two (one of which is in our freezer). There was a lot of champagne, too ... but that disappeared rather more quickly.

3. Knitting has been slow this week. The first sweater is all but finished--the second sleeve needs to be sewn on (and I might redo the first as I'm not too happy with it), and then it needs buttons, and then it will be done! I have also started a blanket because I spotted some Malabrigo in Azul Profundo, which is one of the most beautiful shades of blue I have ever seen, and there was simply no way not to buy it. It's been growing about two rows a day, a very slow pace for me, but I'm guessing this week I will move a bit faster.



4. Now that Keith has graduated, he no longer has to work the equivalent of two jobs!! We are really looking forward to settling in to the new normal around here ... at least until the twins arrive in a few short months. Of course, we also have to move in the next month and a half or so, which entails buying a house ... but we're hoping that will all be set in motion by the end of next week. Basically it's a huge time of change and readjustment for us. But these are all good things.

5. So, after ten posts in ten days (!!!) I haven't posted in a whole week. Understandable, what with PhD graduations and out of town company and whatnot, but. Posting each and every day is a bit much, but it felt good to blog regularly, and I'm hoping it's a habit I can keep up until the twins arrive. I've also been thinking (with Christine's encouragement) about posting a series about living on a single income as a family. This fascinates me especially as we prepare to move out of the city, because the strategies for living on one salary look so different when you live in the country vs the city vs the suburbs--and even from city to city. I have a lot of friends who own just one car and are able to take advantage of public transportation and/or walk where they need to go. But that isn't going to be an option for us in a few months. (We already own two cars, and are incredibly blessed because we got both of them for free, although they have both cost us money to maintain as they age. Keith's car is older than we are!) So it is something I would like to explore here at some point.

6. As I type this, I am watching the garbage men drive down our alley and pick up all the trash. Today they are not yelling at each other in angry voices. (Maybe they aren't angry. Maybe they're just yelling to be heard above the truck. But most weeks they sound pretty mad.) I really love trash day. Seriously. I love the feeling of purging our home of things that don't need to be there and then these wonderful men come and take them away forever. :-P (Plus, when you think about it, isn't it a blessing that we have people that dispose of our garbage for us? I mean, what would WE do with dirty diapers on our own? Maybe if we were responsible for disposing of our own trash we would make less of it ...) I'm looking forward to moving for the same reason--evaluating the clothes and books and other things that tend to accumulate on our shelves and in our closets and pruning our household of clutter. I already have a small Goodwill pile growing.

7. I am still feeling okay with this pregnancy, although I wake up in the morning and feel like I've been doing crunches all night because my stomach muscles are so tired. I think I need to invest in a maternity belt pretty quickly. Michael has taken to patting my belly at random intervals and saying "beebee," but I'm not sure if he is trying to say belly or affirming that yes, we have told him a hundred times that Mama has two babies in her belly. He also thinks that whenever I open my computer it is for the sole purpose of showing him pictures of beebees. I guess that's a good thing, right?

Head over to Jen's blog to see more Quick Takes!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Preparation

(It's still before midnight! Phew. I'm participating in Jen's 7 posts in 7 days challenge, only I am considering cheating and starting the count from last Thursday or Friday, because I have been posting every day since then, which is pretty unusual. We'll see!)



Today I drove Michael to Carter's to pick an outfit for each of his little brothers. Right now the plan is that they will come home from the hospital in these outfits (plus a mama-made sweater and blankie), but you never know ... something else might catch my fancy before they're born. :) I also got the matching stuffed animals, because I had coupons and was standing in line for the register for too long. And because I'm a sucker for Carter's. And because it was a turtle and a fox.

At the checkout counter, Carter's has this neat little bead maze for kids to play with while their parents pay. Michael was pretty upset when I pulled him away from it, so to avoid a tantrum I gave him the fox. Then I felt really guilty, because 1) Michael really loved this fox and he wasn't going to be able to keep it, and 2) because he kept hugging it and giving it open-mouthed kisses, it was getting all drooled on before its intended recipient was even born. But I was able to slip it quietly back into the bag when we got home and he hasn't missed it.

I admit I looked a bit wistfully at some of the sweet dresses in the girl section, disappointed that I couldn't buy any because they were so cute. Not disappointed that I am having my boys, though--just to be clear. On the drive over there was a big, light-up billboard welcoming the new little prince, and I teared up a little. Not because I'm a royal groupie, but because it moved me to see that welcome. And because that's what all baby boys are, truly: little princes. They are so amazing. And baby boy clothes are pretty darn cute, too. ;)

As I prepare for these two little lives to enter the outside world, I have also been thinking a lot about death. Recently an acquaintance of mine discovered that their own little boy likely has a genetic disease that will cause them to die by age four. This little guy is the same age as my Michael. It breaks my heart in a way I know it couldn't have before becoming a mother. Please pray for them, and also for Dwija, who lost her baby last week. She was due a week after me; her boy Nicholas was the same age as my own twins.

I am not sure that I have a conclusion to these thoughts, and I don't mean to be morbid. I am not walking around in fear of loss, but rather in humility before things so much bigger than I am. It is easy to forget how big these little lives are, so easy to take them for granted. On a simply practical level, I cannot comprehend that there are two lives inside of me, even when as they grow and I am able to feel them interacting with each other. There is not much I can do to truly prepare for their arrival except live and be humble.


Which isn't to say I don't have a list of things that need to get done before the babies arrive. I know you're dying to see it, so here it is.

-Move. This has a list of to-do's all its own, obviously, not the least of which is "buy a house to move into." But one list at a time.

-Buy: two bouncy seats, newborn diapers, a double stroller plus toddler seat, a twin nursing pillow. (These strike me as the immediate essentials. Am I missing anything? Things like cribs can wait a month or two since they'll be in our room.)

-Wash and lay out infant clothes, and figure out what more is needed since these babies are being born in a different season.

-Measure the back seat of the car(s) and buy new carseat(s) as necessary.

-Register at the hospital and take a tour.

-Make plans for Michael during labor.

-Pack bags for everyone. (I feel like this is far away, but everyone tells me to be prepared way earlier than I think I need to be.)

-Stock up on freezer meals.

-Knit. Blankies, sweaters, hats.


Am I missing anything important?

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Attention, those who sew!

I have a sewing machine ... and I kind of am afraid to use it.

Well, not afraid exactly, but at a loss as to where to begin.

I was looking at baby blanket patterns today on Ravelry (I have my list narrowed down to six seven ... it's kind of nice that I get to choose two patterns ;)), and was thinking about bedrooms in our new (mystery) house, and it has kicked off some serious nesting. I discovered this awesome Etsy shop and she has some beautiful fat quarter collections that are quite suitable for little boys.

But what on earth do I make with them?

This is where you come in. You, and you alone, can save me from dumping hours of my time into Pinterest. What cute things can I make with fabric like this, or this (baby boy argyle, I am dying!), or this? What baby items have you sewn, and where do you find your patterns? I am thinking more along the lines of nursery items than clothing, although maybe cute pajama-like pants are in order. I also really, really love that Shelly over at Wool and Chocolate sewed tops and knit matching shorties.

The truth is that I am sitting here collecting ideas from the internet and it is making me excited and overambitious. So I may not break out the sewing machine at all. But if so it will not be from lack of planning. ;)

Both of these babies are awake and kicking right now, while the oldest baby takes his nap. I'm hoping this isn't the way it will go once they are all on the outside.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

And we are having ...

Today we got to spend some time with our babies via ultrasound.

And for those who have been guessing ... we are having two more boys!

I can only imagine that things are going to get a little louder around here over the next few years. But what an adventure! (Now to pick out names ... I have an abundance of girl names I would love to use, but I find boys much harder!)

Hopefully this means I'll have some baby knitting for the next yarn along. I have a skein of Tosh in grey that I'd decided to use for a sweater if we had a boy, so I can cast on right away.

In the meantime, Keith and I have gotten back to house hunting. It's been on the back burner for a bit while he worked on finishing his thesis. We've looked at three houses recently, and have two more that we're going to schedule soon. None of them are "perfect," but I am hopeful that one of them will become home.

The one that's currently at the top of our list is in some serious need of redecoration. Some poor design choices you can attribute to an era: carpet from the seventies or whatever. But this house? I told Keith I really couldn't imagine when or where buying kitchen tile so hideously pink and yellow was an option! But we both feel drawn to the house itself, and aside from being ugly, the kitchen is actually kind of awesome. (Tons of counter space, cupboard space, and TWO ovens!) I don't think any house quite matches up to the one we first fell in love with, especially since that one had so much room for us to grow ... but I am still eager to find and fall in love with our new home.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Huge

I know that every woman feels huge by the time she's in her third trimester. And each woman totally deserves to express that feeling.

But. I, at one day shy of 19 weeks, am here to express my feelings about hugeness.

I remember reading someone's blog who was complaining of looking huge at eight months. Like any woman would. But I looked at her bump and I thought, my goodness, I was that big when I still had four months to go. And then ... I kept getting bigger.

My father-in-law was there to yell "surprise" at my baby shower before he, my husband, my dad, and my brother went out for beers or something equally masculine. Afterwards he said, "So, I noticed there was another pregnant woman at your shower. She seemed like she was maybe two months behind you?" I answered, "Actually, she's due two days after me. Unless you meant the other pregnant lady there who is due a month before me."

He didn't really know what to say, poor guy.

Me at my baby shower! 

I would like to point out that I still had two months to go when this picture was taken.

Meanwhile a friend of mine had her bridal shower literally a month before my due date. Someone uploaded the pictures to Facebook almost a year later. I like to think that I have a little more perspective now that the baby is out and over a year old.

But tell me if I'm wrong. Or if I'm right. I think I'm right.

Huge.*

(For comparison the lady on my right was due a month after me.)

Considering that I was outgrowing maternity clothes in these photos ... I'm kind of scared of how big I'll get this time around. :-P


*I kind of hate this photo because it looks like I'm working real hard to feed that belly, haha. But it serves its purpose!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Process

This weekend went by in a whirl. Not externally (that was pretty boring, especially since Keith went in to work both Saturday and Sunday), but internally. As you can probably imagine I have a lot to process after Friday's news! Just half an hour ago I parked in front of the building and lugged Michael and the diaper bag up the steps, unlocked the front door while balancing both, went up ANOTHER flight of steps, unlocked a final door, and sighed in relief to step into my own apartment. I can't imagine doing this with two newborns added to the mix. I mean, I won't have to--we won't be living here anymore--but still, the idea of unloading and transitioning from car to house after a shopping trip is kind of insane.

This is the kind of thing I was thinking of when I would tell friends I thought it might be twins (I was measuring ahead and feeling very early movement), and then immediately say "But I hope it's not!" But honestly, even though thoughts like that pop into my head all the time now (TWO more cribs? Will three car seats fit in our car? When to wean Michael?), I can say that they no longer freak me out. I kind of shake my head at them in disbelief, but also amusement.

Because the thing is, all of that craziness will pass. It is/will be a part of reality, but it isn't ever going to be the most important part. The most important part was seeing my babies moving on an ultrasound screen. There is no way that you can see that and not have your anxiety put in context by love. There are your children.

The stages I've gone through have been interesting. Keith and I walked away from the hospital overwhelmed, happy ... a whole mix of emotions, but unable to fully wrap our minds around it. Telling people helped make it real, and as it became more real it became less fearful and more joyful.

And then yesterday I woke up terrified, not of having three under two, but of everything that might go wrong with delivering those babies. The fact that trying for a natural, vaginal birth might not even be possible; the fact that my babies may come too early and spend the first days (weeks) of their lives not being held and nursed and spoken to but in a hospital getting their heels pricked ... oh, I was so scared.

So that is where I am at in the process right now. Working on letting go of fearing things beyond my control that may or may not happen. Especially fear of getting a c-section. This is a fear I never dealt with when I was pregnant with Michael, and suddenly it is huge for me.  Luckily I have a friend who gave birth to twins via c-section and had a wonderful, positive experience that she was gracious enough to share with me. I think that's what I need right now. Not stories of vaginal twin births--I know it is possible, that my body is capable, yadda yadda.

Before this pregnancy I would have said that c-sections are not evil, they do not make your birth experience less valuable or your body a failure. You make a baby for nine months and bring it into the world! That is amazing no matter how you deliver your baby. And once they are born, how they were delivered won't matter, but the fact that they are here.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Room

This is my view lately. 


This is the last day of my first trimester, and those are my toes just baaaarely peeking out from beneath that belly. Seems like we're already running out of room, doesn't it?


Yep.

Good thing we're looking to move into a house soon!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Joy

This morning as I lay on the examination table, just as I had a fistful of clear goop smeared on my belly, I realized I didn't have my cellphone.

"Wait a second," I said, "is it okay if I record this for my husband?"

The nurse-midwife smiled and got my purse for me, and I hit "record" as I listened to my baby's heartbeat for the first time.

What a beautiful hello, this first tangible contact with my baby's existence, his life.

As little as a week before getting a positive test I would have told you I'd be more than happy to get pregnant again at any time, and that was true. So I felt guilty and a little confused when my first emotional reaction to finding out was so ... mixed. Weirdly, I found myself wishing that it had come just one month later. I can't give you a good reason why. Just hormones, I guess.

But walking out of the midwife center into the sunny morning, my heart was shining and I couldn't stop smiling, and I felt so, so grateful for this new little life, for our growing family.

Keith took Michael with him to adoration this morning and was on the bus when I sent the sound file of the heartbeat. He texted me back to say Michael smiled when he heard it.

When I met them at the Oratory I was struck by how much of a baby Michael still is, even though he turned 13 months yesterday, even though he is not a "little baby" as I still so often call him. I know that by the time his sibling arrives he won't be a baby anymore. He'll be a toddler. So while this pregnancy is flying by of its own accord, I wouldn't rush it, or him, or his sibling, not for anything.

How beautiful God's timing is. How much He has given us.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm Back (plus one!)

There are currently many needles occupied in this apartment. (There's probably some sort of ratio for that--how many knitting projects are underway vs how much academic work I should be doing. But we won't get into that!)

On one pair of them is a lacy scarf for myself knit from the delicious Tart colorway in Madeleine Tosh lace. I. Love. This. Red. It is amazing. But the pattern is a very slow knit.


Another is a Christmas project for my brother. (I don't think he reads this blog? But if he does: Anthony, STOP READING.) It's that odd grey thing with the blue bumps, which Doctor Who fans might be able to recognize as the beginnings of a dalek. This is my first experience with bobbles, and I must say that I don't like the amount of time they take to knit. I much prefer nupps, which are made over the course of two rows rather than knit all at once. But I'm more than halfway through the bobble rows, so.

Last but not least ... I am knitting a Baby Surprise Jacket.


Yes--we are awaiting the arrival of a new little member of our family into the world next April. This little person is already such a part of our lives! We heard his or her heartbeat several weeks ago, and in several more weeks we will get to see him or her for the first time on ultrasound (and hopefully find out whether it's a him or a her!). Until then, my mother is knitting a white baby blanket, and I am using what I hope are fairly gender-neutral colors for this jacket, although Keith likes to point out the pink stripes in there. (There's also blue!) But he is already convinced (and has me halfway convinced!) that it's a girl. We will see! :)

I don't think I'd ever wear one of those shirts that says "I'm so crafty I make people!" It seems a bit too flippant. But I must admit, it's nice to know on days when I'm tired and get zero work done that my body, at least, is doing some hard work on some important stuff. ;)

(I apologize for the horrible quality of these photos. It is a grey and drippy day here in Pittsburgh, and my camera is throwing tempertantrums when I try to use anything other than the automatic settings.)

Joining up with Ginny's wonderful yarn along!